We make them a million times a day. Big. Small. Inconsequential. Paramount to our lives and the direction they will turn. We want to make the right ones. But how do we know? It's easy to know if I should take out the trash. But which job should I take? Well that's a little more significant.
When you have children you really want them to learn to make decisions for themselves. Not only decisions but good decisions. Moral decisions. Well at least I do.
I've tried to raise my girls as morally as I know how. Sometimes succeeding. Sometimes failing.
I often wonder how much they are absorbing into their minds, into their souls. Especially when they fail. When I fail. When I seem to have such a short time with them. When that time seems to be running out.
Today I was given a glimpse of what is taking hold inside one of my daughters.
This morning my eldest came into the kitchen with a very strange expression on her face. She came right up to me and I could tell there was something heavy on her mind.
She and I have been doing battle lately. She's been trying to find her independence. Her independence from me. This has involved a lot of hurt feelings, angry faces, mean words, slamming doors and tears...and that's just me. So I know it has got to be bad when she actually comes to me with something that is bothering her.
She tells me her problem. And it's fairly big.
And my heart sinks.
For I know it will not end without some type of consequence.
I think of all the ways we could fix it. As I'm sure she has. Because I ask her. And she has answers for all.
I'm sorry to say that I think of all these things. Because I don't want her to face this. I just don't. I'm her mamma. And I love her.
So we ask her Dad his thoughts. He says the answer we are avoiding.
She doesn't want to face it. And neither do I. But I hug her a little harder. I've been hugging her this whole time. And if you know anything about my daughter you know that she is not a hugger and she is especially not a hugger of her mom, who she wants to gain independence from. I tell her that no matter what happens she did the right thing in coming and telling the truth.
I offer to go with her and stand with her as she faces this thing. And it makes it a little easier of a pill to swallow. And then when we get to school and face the music...it isn't quite as bad as she feared. In fact, her honesty paid off. I can see and feel the relief just wash over her as she finds out her fate.
For a temporary moment I forgot that I was trying to teach her morals. I wanted to let her escape the momentary pain. But the long term outcome is what I have been desiring for her since she was conceived. And it has taken root and it is growing.
And I am grateful.